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Valentines Day!

Well friend,
I really did it good this time. Somehow before yesterday was over, I pushed away any human being even remotely close to my heart. Drawing near to it.. Or even thinking about it. Why did I do it? Why the intense conscience that will not even allow me to look, speak, or think of a man? What exactly am I so afraid of? Why does my ideal world picture not have romantic love in it at all? Why is it when I'm challenged on that I freeze up? Why do I only seem drawn to things I can not have, because it's safe, because I know I can't have it? hmmmm.... I'm sure having a womanizer for a dad didn't help. So what exactly is the process of erasing every childhood memory you have for a fresh start? There goes that solution.

The bible says we must RENEW our minds. I take that to be the only real solution. The problem comes with reading the bible. I've read through it about 3 times now, probably more. When I open it up, I read that already. So now what? I know in my head..that it is alive, active, and sharper than a 2 edged sword. But for some reason I can't get over the familiarity. So now I do studies over particular topics.. through commentaries and other books. Problem is.. I don't think that is what was intended with the renewing of the mind by the washing of the word. Not ideal.

Today I got a rose from the Fed Ex guy, a mystery piece of chocolate from I don't know who and a dozen roses from a great man friend (who I am very good at keeping far away from my heart now - yeah for me). Someone did get dangerously close .. but I gave him a good shove.. now it's just me and you again. sigh.. wonder what's around the corner? sigh.. days like these I really wish I could drink a nice glass of wine (but I am alcohol free, my friend). Smoke free, alcohol free, man free... I'm a dead woman. Maybe now, I'm finally useful to God.

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