Jiron

Susceptible to the unseen future; caught up in an unraveled past. Trying to step towards freedom But held to the lessons of the last History will not repeat itself Faith was lost, but now come. When hope is offered in a tiny bottle The hand trembles and goes numb. When confidence is a silly passing thing a delusion of grandiose living when reality fades in to a dream and the dream becomes worth living. To be better than no one to be measured with no rule to be hunted by your conscience and centered by what's due. A debt once paid long ago free to love you should be but accepting a path that is fading fast as you see what the cost will be Can I have them both? Can I have it all? Or will I have to leave one behind? The shadows of resonance of loss Echos inside my mind The pain the pain the soul does ache when attachment is not allowed When alone you walk with outstretched hand in to the mirage within a cloud Where are you? Do you really exist? A Phantom, a ghost a sideways glance of ...

January 26th 2009 (After coming back from Costa Rica & Feeling a tremendous sense of Male Lose) I just came back from burying my dad. For my own protection and in a blatant attempt to "outwit" God, I have made a list of the ideal and only man that I will ever consider for marriage. Since the odds of him existing is slim to none, I thereby conclude that I will be on my own from here on out. THE LIST 1. Love God/ have an intimate Relationship with Jesus Christ 2. Blonde Hair & Blue Eyes (I have always loved these traits, but never had them love me back) 3. A GENTLE man 4. Character: Honest, self-confident, patient, trustworthy. 5. Love to Dance (good luck finding that one, Lord; especially at my age) 6. Not threatened by a strong woman 7. Believes that marriage is 2 independent people partnering together; not expecting me to be molded in to the image of him. 8. NEVER jealous of my relationship with Jesus 9. Encourages my spiritual activity 10. Love to travel and have a ...

I have felt yuck all day... perhaps an emotional hangover from crying til 2am last night over the memories of my dad. During times like these you can't help but get frank with God. Today I asked about His Comforter and why it seems like I CAN'T be comforted. Then I had a flashback of when I would hurt myself as a kid (often while doing TOO much on my bike). When my "comforter" would come (often one of my parents). I remembered how the pain DIDN'T go away when they held me. As my comforter, they did not magically make the pain disappear; but rather, they just held me and stayed close, THROUGH the pain. The Holy Spirit IS our comforter; sometimes He is there in a tangible way to hold you close when you are hurt. But sometimes He sends friends to hold you on His behalf. I was in TREMENDOUS amount of pain last night... but I WAS comforted. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my dad's death. I love you, daddy; and I am missing you every day. But you and God have ra...

Last night was my second day to return to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. The exercise was incredible! I have found since I have lost some weight, I am alot less winded and can ACTUALLY enjoy the cardio part of class. We learned about breaking free from the north south mount and to switch it in to a dominant position. To me Jiu Jitsu is alot more than just exercise and fighting. It is a chance for me to physically work out what I want to see my spirit do when it is engaged in warfare. When I am penned, I WILL get out. When I am choked, I WILL get out. When I have someone much bigger than me trying to overpower me and keep me from getting where I need to go... I WILL overcome. For me the sport, is healing and makes me feel strong enough to take on the giants I have to face in my every day life. Noteworthy moment: When I grappled with Sarah, she had my right leg at half guard. What did I do? I pulled my left leg up and had my ankle at her neck and was pushing down on her shoulder trying to break fr...