I can't get up that tree!

So many things have been passing through my mind lately.
I have found myself detached from normal life.
Accepting my place, accepting my race.
Running alone.
It's not easy.

I have finally reached a point in my life...
Just as a woman who can not conceive a child without miscarrying
That I am tired of looking at other people's family photos and feeling pain.
I will not have the "perfect" image of family in my life.
I will not have a husband to share living with.
After 3 miscarried marriages... I throw in the towel.
I quit and I accept the oddness of it.

The freakish nature of single motherhood.
Don't think I can't feel people wondering "how I do it?"
Or people wondering what's wrong with me for failing 3 times.
Or people just being disgusted that I "bailed out" on marriages.

I have no idea why my first husband turned away from me and toward drugs.
I have no idea why my second husband fell in love with my best friend.
I have no idea why my third husband decided 13 year old girls were sexually attractive.

All I know is... "Darned the bad luck!!!"
Maybe some of it was my fault for being naive in picking spouses.
The thing is.. once you get struck by lightning so many times..
you decide to quit walking out in the storm.

So now I have reached that place of acceptance.
Family, mate, companionship, will all have to come from something other than the "husband".

If there is a way to be healthy and alone... I am sure I will find it.

In the mean time.. say a prayer for me, my friends.. that I will stop crying when I see happy family photos. ***smile***

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Jiron

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